Random thoughts …

10.22.13 Random Thoughts

A collection of disconnected musings tumbling around my brain …

Yes, I understand that some people believe health care reform hastens the United States’ slide into oblivion. Yes, the rollout of the exchange websites resembles a drunk man trying to perform brain surgery in the back of a moving pickup truck. But am I the only person in the country asking, “How can you tell if this law is a failure or not when its key provision – the individual mandate – doesn’t take effect until January?”

You can only analyze whether the Affordable Care Act achieves its stated goal – insuring virtually all Americans – after those same Americans either (a) obtain insurance, or (b) don’t. Getting hysterical about the rollout of the exchange websites is a bit like writing off the 2013 season when the Red Sox and Cardinals finished Spring Training one game over and one game under .500, respectively.

*   *   *

Speaking of the Red Sox, I stood in the middle of my den on Saturday night, pumping my right arm into the air repeatedly as Shane Victorino rounded the bases after hitting his grand slam against the Tigers. “Is it ok to be jumping up and down all alone in my TV room?” I asked myself as I did it. I guess the answer I arrived at, somewhat bemusedly, was, “Yes,” as I then proceeded to text my friends and talk electronic smack for the next hour of my life in an adrenaline-fueled rush.

*   *   *

Max’s band, One Click Waiting, was one of three opening acts for The Motor League and The Balconies last Thursday night. Both of those bands hail from Canada and put on a tremendous show. Got a chance to speak with their members afterwards, and they’re about as nice and unassuming a bunch as you’d ever hope to meet. Equally important, both acts go a long way towards undoing the atrocity that Canada previously inflicted upon us – Bryan Adams – one crunching, pummeling chord at a time.

*   *   *

The CAF Triathlon Challenge took place this past weekend in La Jolla, CA. Kudos to those who braved the tough course, including my good friend, Steve Eastman, who did both the bike and run. I wasn’t brave enough to take it on again this time. But Steve’s effort inspired me so much that I’m planning on encouraging him to do it again next year.

*   *   *

A piece of advice that I’ve known for years but never been able to fit into a post: if you get a new prosthetic leg and suddenly your pants seem really short, that’s a good sign that your prosthesis may be too long.

*   *   *

My dad celebrated his 70th birthday week before last. He took the assault of gag gifts – including wind-up false teeth, an inflatable cane and a rather large crown – with great aplomb. This proves either (a) that you mellow as you get older, or (b) he’s still young enough that he gives a damn about other people. Or both.

*   *   *

Driving home from my dad’s 70th, I saw a brand new white hatchback doing 70 MPH on 84E outside Danbury with a custom paint job. Fake blood spatters on the lower half, and a bloody (rubber) human hand dangling off the bumper. It’s name, proudly emblazoned on its side? The Zombie Car. My question – what do you do with that thing after Halloween?

*   *   *

I had the blessed opportunity to travel through Washington’s Dulles Airport last week. Dulles – consider yourself lucky I wrote my post on America’s worst airports for amputees before I visited you.

Dulles security processes make DMV look like a model of efficiency. Words cannot describe how badly set up the physical space to get through the security checkpoints is. At one point, an airport worker tasked with organizing this chaos chose to do so based on aesthetics, consistently picking young, attractive women in their late teens and early 20’s to go in the shortest line, while sending middle-aged male troglodytes towards the airports nether reaches. I stayed calm by reminding myself that I’ve always looked like a middle-aged troglodyte, and therefore, haven’t suffered a relative decline in the way I’m treated now versus when I was younger.

My personal pledge: I will never, ever, enter the horror show inside Dulles’s walls again.

*   *  *

While at Dulles, I watched a very odd man (a) explain to the very confused woman behind the counter at the magazine store that he was “frugal with money,” and then (b) ask her the price of every bag of chips and candy in the store. “What about M&M’s? … Really?” “What about Lay’s potato chips? … That’s incredible.” “What about Snickers? … That much?”

I have to give him credit. He stuck to his guns. He left without purchasing anything.

*   *   *

Had a lovely dinner with Peggy Chenoweth (aka, The Amputee Mommy) while in Virginia. We plotted our continued conquest of the limb loss world, one scintillating podcast at a time. Which brings us to the shameless plug section of this week’s post, and a reminder that (a) we’ve got tons of awesome material available on our Amp’d podcast page with (b) lots more coming in the next few months.

*   *   *

Peggy tried to stall for time while I fumbled my way through the 73-page Cheesecake Factory menu by telling the waiter that I was the “famous” Bionic Blogger. He looked at me. The word “blankly” doesn’t even begin to describe his facial expression.

He seemed more interested in the fact that Peggy was taking part in a new music video shoot for Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” last weekend in Brooklyn. Afterwards, Peggy informed me that they asked her to dance. She further informed me that she doesn’t know how to dance, so she tried to replicate the one she’s familiar with as the mother of a young boy: a number from The Wiggles.

I’m praying with a fervor bordering on zealotry that this becomes the focal point of the video when it’s finally released.

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